March 9, 2012

Pumped Up Kicks

Yesterday I went to see Medallion for a pre-op appointment to discuss my upcoming foot surgery. You know how it goes... they check your bloodwork, talk about possible risks of surgery and anesthesia, and discuss what to expect during the recovery. How could such a standard appointment turn out to be both informational and amusing?

Let's start with the bloodwork. I went to a lab last week to have my blood drawn, no big deal. Although otherwise uneventful, I did manage to make an inappropriate joke about using needles to the blood technician. Note to self: jokes insinuating drug use are not well received in a bloodwork lab. (And no, I don't do drugs, nor have I ever, which is why I thought my joke might be funny. She did not laugh. Didn't even crack a smile.)

So Medallion reviewed my bloodwork results and assured me that no, I am not pregnant. Well that's reassuring! I didn't know that was part of the check, but hey, good to know. When I jokingly said (okay, not joking at all) that such news would have ruined my day, he gave me a shocked look and mentioned how magical babies are. Magical. As in unicorns... and leprechauns... and Oz? Okay, he's right, they're magical! I went on and tried to explain that since I already have two very young children a third might be a little less than magical right now... and then my words trailed off as I tried to look guilty for what he obviously took as my non-pregnancy relief.

(Little does Medallion know, it seems like all Ricky has to do is look at me and I find myself in the family way, so we best go ahead and do this surgery while I'm not preggers. Who knows when numero tres will arrive?)

The next part of my appointment was a discussion about surgery risks including, but of course not limited to (notice that loophole), pain, swelling, infection, and death. I am telling you right now that if I die because of bone spur surgery it is clearly my time to go. Honestly though, I'm not concerned about this because I already know I'm going to die in a tornado. How do I know that, you may ask? Well I think years of recurring tornado dreams speak for themselves.

Luckily, the anesthesia Medallion will be using is not general anesthesia but rather IV sedation. I really hope it's the same stuff my dentist used when he pulled my wisdom teeth. That was a blast!

Medallion went on to explain what to expect during recovery. Basically, expect pain. Duh. Unfortunately the pain killers he is prescribing are not compatible with breastfeeding, as my pediatrician says, therefore I will have to resort to the ol' pump-and-dump. Don't worry, crunchy granola mothers - I have plenty of liquid gold (yep, I said it) stored to feed the Bulldog while I kick it on pain meds for a couple days. After the pain subsides somewhat, I plan to switch to Tylenol and jump back on the breastfeeding bandwagon.

The next part of our recovery discussion brings me to the focus of the title of this post. Check out my fancy new kicks...


Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I will be wearing these fabulous surgical shoes for 2-3 weeks following my surgery. I stupidly assumed that I only had to wear them anytime I left the house and needed shoes. Medallion kindly explained that I will need to wear them any time I bear any weight on my feet and to only take them off at night.

Take note of the easy-to-use velcro straps and chic peep toe.


I think they are hilarious. Ricky does not think they are hilarious. He actually told me he doesn't want to be seen in public with me during my recovery. HA!

It gets better! I can't get my dressing wet until I go back for my post-op appointment, so the nurse suggested I cover my feet with trash bags in the shower. Like I said - hilarious.

When the nurse was fitting my feet for these little gems she nonchalantly said,  "Don't you just wish these came in hot pink?!"

Why yes. Yes I do. That would make them all the more bearable and stylish, I'm sure.

After I actually have the surgery I probably will not find this whole situation as humorous as I do right now, so I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts.

One last thing before I go. I took a picture of this piece of equipment at the podiatrist's office while I waited to see Medallion...



I have no idea what it could possibly be, and although it was slightly frightening, I think I like it.

1 comment:

  1. I find this hilarious. I just had surgery on my toes and wore that same lovely piece of footware for 5 weeks! Good Luck! (One piece of advice... wear your hubby's black sock under the sandle and either leggings/tights or black skinny pants. When everything is monocromatic people don't seem to notice as much.... I also wore lots of maxi dresses!)

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